Sunday, January 16, 2011

Be Here Now or waste precious moments

When I post poems from the past or refer to events I have lived through--it isn't because I am still "there" in my mind.  I had wonderful friends, family & therapists for many years in my late teens and twenties to help me in my choice to become the woman I wanted to be.  Trauma impacts people in different ways...but, the only thing I know for sure is that it does require hard choices, good support & time. 

Many wise people have said something to the effect of "it's not what happens to you, it's how you respond to it" that matters.  I believe this is undeniably true.  I also believe one must honor the totality of one's life, the good, bad & ugly in order to embrace all of one's strengths and have the necessary compassion for others dealing with their own traumas.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I'm reading Persephone Returns for the second time.  It is about the personal and cultural implications of a culture of victimhood on one hand and heroism on the other.  As in most things...the middle way carries the most wisdom.  No one is invincible and no one is without inner resources.  Healing comes in fits and starts and is not in any way like a Hallmark movie.  To assume that "you," your "Self" is some constant is a fallacy.  Your are evolving and devolving constantly--physically, emotionally and spiritually--this is the human condition.

Blaming others who have harmed you is a necessary step in the process of moving beyond it...but, many people get stuck in blame.  It is so easy to do.  Particularly when the person or persons deserve justice in this life or the next (if you believe justice comes after death). 

It is not my intent to blame anyone for anything that was or is done to me.  It is always my intent to be authentic and compassionate for all of humanity.  I am not always successful, but I am proud as hell at the progress I've made.  I stand here at 40--madly in love with my husband, with 3 beautiful, healthy and smart children and good relationships with 99% of all people I interact with on a daily basis.  I have made desperate choices in the past that evoke feelings of shame for me.  But, I must remind myself from time to time that ultimately it is about NOW, the present moment.  I cannot control the past or the future and stewing about them is usually unproductive...the only moment in which I have power to choose is right now. 

I choose to keep striving, to work on humility and listening, to enjoy and share my love with those who love me well (James Taylor gets credit for this oath) and to not be satisfied with what is comfortable.  I choose to find a way to uncomfortable moments--to questions assumptions and opinions--to demand that I remain aware of my own lack of control over most things.  I feel this oath like a pledge in my gut.  It isn't a mental process that is happening to me now...I think because of the back surgery and complicated recovery--my body is now talking to me in a way that I can hear more clearly than usual.  My mind, body & soul are urging me to Be Here Now and make sure I'm using my time in a way that honors what I say I believe in and care about....everything else is just distraction and noise.  Thanks for listening. 

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