From Miss Piggy's Guide to Life published by Muppet Press/Alfred A. Knopf in 1981.
This book is one of my most highly prized possessions. I intend to share its infinite wisdom with my daughter...who I hope will follow me in the pursuit of fabulousness. A sample of her wisdom:
"Naturally, it is not easy to become beautiful. It requires hard work, patience and attention to detail. It also takes a certain firmness of purpose. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. (4)"
As a chubby child growing up, I always had Miss Piggy posters on my walls. For a pig to be glamorous, married to an awesome frog and be ready to fight--she was and is a major influence on this chica. Now, as a girl I did not yet have the bravado of Miss Piggy, though I longed for it and wished it into existence. I came into my full Pig when I cut off my long, undyed mane in graduate school. The following words have been a mainstay of my adult habits:
"Hair isn't a hat you just happened to grow. It is a golden opportunity for the fullest possible expression of your personality. Don't wear the same drab hairstyle day after dreary day. Experiment! (8)."To date my hair has been magenta, mahogany, eggplant, copper, auburn, ash blond, pink, and I have settled for the moment on what my children call "Superhero Red." With short hair, you can experiment endlessly. It exists to screw with.
Miss Piggy is skeptical of an extreme focus on exercising. I have already expressed to you dear readers that my people don't run for any reason...so it is easy for me to agree with this:
"Many people embark impulsively on an ill-considered program of planned physical activity without giving any thought to the often very strenuous exercises they are already doing. If you are like moiself, you are leading such an active life that additional exertion is both pointless and foolhardy...when it comes to exercise I do a 'Daily Doesn't' (47).Who could argue with such pristine logic? Why does anyone want to sweat? I don't understand its allure. Sure, there are health benefits to it...but, why do I have to like it? Do you see any perspiration on this pig?
And what about matters of the heart? Miss Piggy does what all girls dream...she bags her frog utterly and completely. For those still wandering, She offers sage advice,
"What should a woman do until her true love comes along? Circulate, circulate, circulate!(92)." So true--how else do you know what you want and don't want...making lists just won't cut it. She continues, "How can a woman be in love with a man and still not be vulnerable? It is impossible. You must take risks, and, oui, you can suffer terribly. This moi knows. Before I met my Kermie, I had many stormy, tempestuous relationships, and they often ended sadly. But although that is all in the past, I would do it again without hesitation. A woman must take chances. Faint heart ne'er won fair frog (93)."
In other words...go whole hog.
Finally, a few "ouis" and "nons" from our heroine...in the "oui" category:
"pressed flowers, show tunes, alabaster, lawn parties, unusual paperweights, tassels, spiral staircases, french doors, old postcards, pink champagne, finish touches...(70)."And the non-non's:
"smelly cheese, wicker purses, bean bags, pet mice, plastic cutlery, transparent rainwear, gauze, nondairy creamers, practical jokes, sharp plants, busy signals, sensible shoes, loud birds..."Who can disagree? She really is a National treasure and at least deserves her own stamp. My favorite Miss Piggy bit of wisdom was the poster I had on my wall for years and years...she was in a cheerleading uniform and was in mid air, pom poms in hand. The caption read, "Go Team Go or I'll Break All Your Arms." Classic. In short, go pig or go home.