Wednesday, April 20, 2011

if it is about the journey, then my guide is drunk and illiterate

Doctors are an interesting back surgeon is one of the more fascinating.  He is Hollywood good-looking, has some personal space issues and is very good and redirecting my probing questions.  Almost six months post-surgery, I am still having days where I do not have the use of my legs because of a storm of muscle spasms that come on quickly and reduce me to tears and wailing.  Not an exaggeration.  And everytime I tell the surgeon about these episodes, he tells me how successful the surgery was...I get that Gaslight feeling--like he is patting me on the head, plotting to slowly convince me I'm hysterical.

So after three days and nights of being delierious with pain and unable to walk without my husband--I call to report that I had just experienced a living hell and wanted to know what the expert has to offer and I'm treated as if I am a drug-seeking (which I didn't ask for) bother.  I wanted them to do a wee bit of deductive logic...give me the impression that there was some Sherlock being applied to my mysterious situation.  Nothing, nada, zip.

By Sunday evening, I hit my straight-up righteous mode.  I have rights as a patient...time to desert Doc Hollywood and find a Doctor who treated my symptoms as seriously as does my family.  Today is Wednesday and because it is my practice to try not to act when angry...I've decided to let Doc Hollywood have his month of physical therapy.  My physical therapist is excellent and she knows how to listen and ask probing questions...and I'm not ready to conclude that what she might teach me may improve my situation.  She is the only thing tethering me to this Doctor.

I believe intellectually that second opinions are sometimes critically important.  But, when a person is racked by a debilitating medical begin to feel a certain dependency on medical opinion.  It is easy to forget a key principle of life...everyone makes mistakes--so don't give up your voice and nod your head.  You already are off-kilter emotionally because everything in your life is expressed through the lens of what is wrong with you.  Your loved ones must adjust and strive to understand and you must watch them watch you suffer.

This year has been particularly challenging--the complications from major surgery, the mattress through the windshield, the decimation of my savings and the withering of my determination from time to time.  I keep berating myself for not writing more, reading more, doing more with the kids, pushing myself physically, not pushing back as forcefully as I've come to expect from myself--and the end product of all this sermonizing?  Less inclination to do any of those things.

 If it is to be, it is up to me.  This is the banner I carry at this juncture...and because I always fight back--sooner than later my bob and weave will kick in and things will get better.  They will still be hard, but today I have the use of both legs and I can take any step I choose--on my own.

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