Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Do you know the word whinge?

I picked it up from Paul...it simply means whine...but, it is more more fun to say (win-ge).  And I am feeling like a perpetual whinger today.  Complain, moan, cry, lash out, curse the constant dropping of things I cannot pick up, food as a distant memory, unable to take care of anything, terrified about disappointing people, it is frakkin' endless and I'm sick of it. 

I have been earnestly trying to be grateful, kind and more gracious.  A lot of times it works.  It seems that memories are coursing through my mind like fireworks that aren't properly anchored.  Even in dreams--there are faces and humiliations and moments of terror....I wake up and all the pain meds have long gone out of my system and it takes FOREVER to get a cup of coffee.

I have lovely friends and family and am feeling that I have been a poor friend and family member for a lot of years.  Many people I love could have used my help over the years and yet distraction got a hold of me.  Where is all this regret coming from?  It is the sense of uselessness?  The meds?  The stucked-ness of my situation? 

I crave forgiveness.  I want to become a better person.  I don't want my children to see me bitter.  I thought about all these things for over a decade in my twenties and into my thirties b'c I could not seem to figure out how to not hate myself.  Fortunately, time has taken care of most of that nonsense...it is just these moments that come and reduce me to a person I no longer am....

Being 40 has it's advantages...I'm not sure why all this is coming so quickly and without hesitation these days...but, in part it has to do with knowing that I gotta get busy.  We aren't guaranteed a long life with good health.  I hope that this whinge is over for a bit...it is annoying when children do it, but absolutely unacceptable when grown ups metaphorically stomp their feet and say "I don't wanna!!!"  My friend Lynn reminds me that human beings have these moments...we call them melt downs when the kids have them.  Usually it means they need food, love or a nap.  I need all three. 

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