Tuesday, November 23, 2010

one more before I become incoherent

Slowing down makes me a bit pissy.  I am a doer, not very good at "being."  This is a lesson I've been trying to master for at least 25 years. 

One time I went to a meditation seminar.  We had to sit silently for one hour and I truly thought I was going to leap up at any moment and stab the nearest person with a pencil.  I'm just not good with stillness or silence.  Yell at me, throw things...slam doors even...just don't get quiet.  It provokes me to ruthlessness.   I'm not proud of it...just being reminded these days of all the things I've yet to accomplish.  Inundated with regrets and shameful memories...unsure of myself.  Wondering if I'll ever be able to be able to take care of everything with ease.

I believe all this is related to feeling vulnerable.  I'm being my own therapist these days and have determined that I've got to take some advice I'm always giving...when times are particularly crushing...treat yourself like the child you once were...afraid, small and timid.  Give that child a break...a treat, ask for extra loving, risk looking foolish, and for god's sake...don't sink into a corner.  I've been in a corner for almost 2 weeks and am ready to peek out again. 

A lot of people think I am very strong.  An Amazon of sort...and I know that there is that warrior in me.  She has protected me from lots of savagery and has at times dished it out...to some who deserved it and many who did not.  There have always been lots of strong currents in me that conflict with one another...teaching was the first thing I found that allowed me to give voice to most of them.  I miss it terribly and am ready to go back. 

I can't force myself to heal, but I've got to cut out all the unnecessary crap that is getting in the way.  At least a new determination is coming out.  Still got the fever (but it hasn't gotten above the OMG point) but the spasms are very rare (less that five a day) and I am getting stronger. 

The kids are just full of honey...making me the cutest cards.  Saoirse is wearing her Doctor coat and pretending to give me shots.  Brendan is just kissing me as often is he is going to the potty and Riley told me he loved me as much as his PSP.  I think this is the best one can hope for.  My husband.  There really is nothing I can say except that his love is the most beautiful thing I have ever felt and plus, he is sexy.    More later...I think I might be on a blog roll.  This is not the time for fear or silence or playing another character...I am the lead actor now and no matter how far away the spotlight is...I will move to the center of it.

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