Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sometimes I Am the Lazy American I Rail Against and/or a Defense of Infrequent Guilty Pleasures

I am aware I'm about to destroy some of my credibility with some readers.  It is with dismay that I report that I am regularly as shallow as all other Americans.  How you ask?  Well, there are more than a few damning facts:

1.  I don't run for any reason...even if I'm on fire.  I don't believe in running.  My people don't run, we watch other people run and eat fried chicken.

2.  Not only do I always watch American Idol--I pick out song choices, branding and do my own critiques of each contestant.  My husband abandons me during this stretch every week, clinging to Netflix like a man lost at sea.  And as long as I'm "out" as an American Idol fan, let me just say a few things about the season thus far.  Pia--no matter what she does, she'll make lots of money on a few drippy love songs.  Haley--I will buy anything you put out, but I'm hoping you stick to your honey spot--blues.  Casey--I just hope it is true that you are macking on Haley (!!!).  Stefano--not a fan, but your rendition of "When A Man Loves A Woman" was stellar.  James--will find a band and be moderately successful.  Paul--he of the blinding teeth and raspy voice--I know people who know you and thus know where you live--you are so frakkin' hot and I love your voice, flowery suit and that you covered a Ryan Adams song on AI.  Jacob--come on to Nashville and meet the Wyans...they will be your best friend.  Lauren--you should stay in LA and make country music...I just don't like you.  Scotty--you look too much like the former President W for my liking, but your future is secure right here in Music City.

3.  I don't buy off-brand toilet paper.  Some things are too important to skimp on.

4.  When I am depressed, I watch Law and Order marathons like some people eat pies.

5.  I care what I look like at all times.  Vanity, vanity, vanity...all is vanity.  I have never worn the same outfit to work in 5 years.

6.  About once a week, I check in with Perez Hilton. Sometimes I click through several pages.

7.  On some days, nothing will satisfy me but a hotdog with mustard.

8.  Despite very earnest intentions, my car is what polite people call a "trash heap."

9.  Family Guy is always funny.

10.  I buy my daughter Barbies and my sons Action Figures.  I have become that which I used to fear.

It is what it is folks--even the most contientious person acts like a slob sometimes.  Hell, I even like to watch Extreme Fighting on Friday nights--sue me.

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